The Courage To Lead

"If people can grow their emotional courage to some degree, they can begin to follow through on things they have not followed through on in the past, and realize they have a freedom and a power to act in the world in ways they have not experienced before."

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Esalen faculty Peter Bregman got into leadership coaching in a serendipitous way. He attended a college camping trip “by mistake” and became so intrigued with the concept of outdoor leadership that he went on to form his own company.

Culling from some of the wisdom he learned outdoors, Peter is now a coach, teacher and best-selling author, assisting successful people to become better leaders and build more effective teams. Peter, who is at the helm of Leading With Emotional Courage at Esalen May 1–3, dives deeper into the subject of courage with Esalen News.

Esalen News: What is one of the biggest stumbling blocks for leaders today in regards to practicing courage?

It’s the same stumbling block that it’s always been: it’s hard! And what’s hard is to feel all the feelings we need to feel in order to act. “If I act—take a risk—I will feel the vulnerability of failure, of rejection, of embarrassment, of conflict or disconnection.”

That is why we need emotional courage. If we have the courage to feel all of those emotions, then we will have the courage to act and do things that might bring about those emotions.

Esalen News: How does a workshop setting assist us in building and practicing courage?

When I was leading 30-day expeditions in the wilderness, I learned the formula for not just learning but learning safely in a way that translates into new action in the world. Here it is: high perceived risk/low actual risk—so the person who is learning feels the pressure and the thrill of trying something new without any consequences of failure.

Here’s an example: If I asked you to stand up in a room of people and just start dancing wildly, you might be hesitant. That’s because the perceived risk is high. You would feel the potential of people’s judgement or you would feel embarrassed, maybe even ashamed. Or something else. But I’m betting you would feel something that would make it hard for you to do. That’s the perceived risk.

But the actual risk of standing up in a room of people and dancing wildly? Zero. There is no actual risk. No negative consequences to doing it. A workshop setting is the perfect environment to learn in because that’s the environment where we can try things, expand our comfort zone and find our willingness to act again in the future in the real world.

Esalen News: What are several ways to courageously communicate with grace in the presence of strong emotions?

The first advice I have is to empathize with the person with whom you’re communicating. What might they be experiencing? Listen to them and help them feel seen and heard.

You may have to breathe through your own emotions, which may be preventing you from listening, but if you start by listening and taking in the other person’s experience, that will relax both them and you. And you’ll probably learn something in the process.

And then when it’s your turn to speak, after recapping what you’ve heard so the other person feels completely understood, share your perspective without watering it down. Be caring, clear and succinct.

Esalen News: What actions can we incorporate in our daily lives to practice courage?

Try something that scares you every day. It can be very small, like trying a new food or walking more slowly. Those are things that, believe it or not, may bring up emotions for you if they are different than what you’re used to.

Continue every day to do something that makes you a little nervous and also excited. If you have been putting off a difficult conversation, go ahead and start it. If you’re thinking about writing but you haven’t gotten yourself to do it, sit in front of a blank page for 10 minutes and just start noticing everything you feel in the process. We build our emotional courage by using our emotional courage.

Esalen News: What has been one of your most courageous acts?

That’s a tough question because every act that makes me feel something feels hard and courageous. As I build my own emotional courage, things that felt tough a year ago, feel simple and straightforward and routine now. That said, getting married, having children—those are very courageous acts. They are thrilling and scary and exciting, and filled with the hope and uncertainty of the future.

Every day that I sit down to write feels like a tough courageous act as I reveal tender parts without knowing how they will be received. It’s the same with teaching and any conversation that touches me deeply. At this point, I am only interested in work that touches me deeply. I want to be moved to tears every day. I want to feel my soul touched.

To put myself in those situations every day feels courageous and incredibly rewarding. Anything truly rewarding is at least a little scary.

Esalen News: What do you love most about this work?

What I love most about this work is helping people show up in ways that they did not previously have courage to show up in. When I witness people doing something more than they thought they could do rather than just learn something interesting, I am often moved because they discover endless places within themselves.

If people can grow their emotional courage to some degree, they can begin to follow through on things they have not followed through on in the past, and realize they have a freedom and a power to act in the world in ways they have not experienced before.

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