As we awaken into the new year, right now is a good time to reflect on how we communicate and share this planet with one another. Tatyana Sanikovich spent a decade at Esalen and currently works as a leadership and career coach. She draws wisdom from her experiences and shares ways to move forward rather than wallow in the spirals of what if and if only.
Abraham Maslow and his hierarchy of needs inspired early and definitive teachings at Esalen. His pyramid — beginning at the base with food and security and peaking at the top with self-actualization — informs professional journeys for many at Esalen. Our need for connection is centered at the heart of this structure. We humans require a sense of belonging as part of our ability to thrive as well as survive. The myriad of social connections we create all collectively help nourish our spirit.
Yet, in the last few years, our connectivity as a society has become increasingly fragile and, in some cases, turned inside out, presenting as polarization. More and more, we are creating a dynamic of “us versus them” instead of “we all together.” So, how can we fix that?
A number of Esalen workshops over the years have delved into the idea of “in” and “out” groups as part of larger themes centered around our interconnectedness. These categorizations may give us a sense of identity and self-esteem when experienced in a positive way (think of cheering on your favorite sports team or band). They also can have the ability to distort into something harmful. When we experience a misunderstanding or misstep, when resources are limited, when competition is high and self-esteem is low, even a small crack can evolve into a gaping chasm if not addressed.
I reflect on my own conflicts with long-standing work relationships. Moments when I felt hurt and blindsided. The awkward conversations I would have rather skipped. However, my desire to heal the relationships outweighed my initial discomfort, and years later, those friendships remain — now with clearer boundaries.
Why should we have difficult conversations? They don’t feel good — at least at the beginning — and there is potential for additional pain. In more caustic situations, it is absolutely necessary to disengage with that individual or group for your own personal safety and well-being. This is self preservation. However, for lower-stakes situations that arise in the workplace, it may be worthwhile to pause before placing the person who has crossed a boundary in the “out” group. When we avoid having these conversations, we can miss a possible growth opportunity for ourselves and potentially the other person. What’s more, what may emerge from a dialogue could contribute to the greater good – in your family, in your workplace, in your community, or beyond. Your relationship will be impacted whether you turn away or lean in. The question is, How will you show up for yourself?
Esalen has a rich legacy of creating physical and emotional space for those difficult conversations. What can we pull from this enlightening work to better foster hard conversations more gracefully and skillfully in our own relationships? The next time you feel anxious about having “the talk,” try setting an intention to begin that difficult conversation. Ask yourself: What do I want to come out of this conversation? To be heard? To understand the other? An apology? You may not get the apology you seek for the perceived hurt, so it is important to manage expectations. In the end, we only have control over our own reactions. Perhaps start the conversation with why this is important to you. State it out loud: "I value our relationship. You matter to me.” This also helps settle the other person's nervous system as it illustrates a sense of goodwill even in the face of a challenging conversation.
Group facilitation is a major form of communication and a method to work through difficult scenarios at Esalen. One faculty member maintained that it was important to “place the fish on the table.” Or in other words, start with the most difficult issue in order to establish the trust and credibility needed to work together through hard topics. When you talk around an issue, it can be too easy to assume that the other person is attempting to hide something. At the other extreme, some counselors suggest starting with small things in order to establish or reestablish commonality before attempting to tackle more difficult content. Whichever approach feels more resonant, remember that discernment is key. Be aware of the person — literally and figuratively — sitting across from you and make adjustments based on what is happening in the moment.
At Esalen, it is common to hear: “Use your ‘I’ statements.” Why is this so important, especially when having difficult conversations? By couching our statements as “I feel” or “I think” versus “You do,” we hold ourselves accountable for our own feelings and thoughts rather than projecting what we believe to be true on the other person. Speaking only for yourself can help to reduce another person’s natural defensiveness. Try to listen for understanding instead of searching for opportunities to respond. Quiet that voice inside that begins to pull up defenses while the other person is speaking. Stay present in the conversation, and your own defenses will lower.
Ben Franklin’s “Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can do today,” resonates here. Difficult conversations do not age well with time. In fact, the longer we wait to have them, the harder the difficult conversation becomes. With time, we may begin to tell ourselves stories with exaggerated details while our anxiety grows. The longer time goes by with things left unsaid, the more tension adds to an already hard conversation.
And as with all things, practice makes it better. We have the tools — and the vocabulary — to build bridges instead of burning them. What’s more, having difficult conversations also helps us tap into our empathy. We all have bad days, and as a result, we can react poorly, misspeak, and make the wrong decision. It is during those moments, when another human being extends to us the gift of grace, that we can truly appreciate why we must continue to prioritize connection over cancellation.
“Remembering to be as self compassionate as I can and praying to the divine that we're all a part of.”
–Aaron
“Prayer, reading, meditation, walking.”
–Karen
“Erratically — which is an ongoing stream of practice to find peace.”
–Charles
“Try on a daily basis to be kind to myself and to realize that making mistakes is a part of the human condition. Learning from our mistakes is a journey. But it starts with compassion and caring. First for oneself.”
–Steve
“Physically: aerobic exercise, volleyball, ice hockey, cycling, sailing. Emotionally: unfortunately I have to work to ‘not care’ about people or situations which may end painfully. Along the lines of ‘attachment is the source of suffering’, so best to avoid it or limit its scope. Sad though because it could also be the source of great joy. Is it worth the risk?“
–Rainer
“It's time for my heart to be nurtured on one level yet contained on another. To go easy on me and to allow my feelings to be validated, not judged harshly. On the other hand, to let the heart rule with equanimity and not lead the mind and body around like a master.”
–Suzanne
“I spend time thinking of everything I am grateful for, and I try to develop my ability to express compassion for myself and others without reservation. I take time to do the things I need to do to keep myself healthy and happy. This includes taking experiential workshops, fostering relationships, and participating within groups which have a similar interest to become a more compassionate and fulfilled being.“
–Peter
“Self-forgiveness for my own judgments. And oh yeah, coming to Esalen.”
–David B.
“Hmm, this is a tough one! I guess I take care of my heart through fostering relationships with people I feel connected to. Spending quality time with them (whether we're on the phone, through messages/letters, on Zoom, or in-person). Being there for them, listening to them, sharing what's going on with me, my struggles and my successes... like we do in the Esalen weekly Friends of Esalen Zoom sessions!”
–Lori
“I remind myself in many ways of the fact that " Love is all there is!" LOVE is the prize and this one precious life is the stage we get to learn our lessons. I get out into nature, hike, camp, river kayak, fly fish, garden, I create, I dance (not enough!), and I remain grateful for each day, each breath, each moment. Being in the moment, awake, and remembering the gift of life and my feeling of gratitude for all of creation.”
–Steven
“My physical heart by limiting stress and eating a heart-healthy diet. My emotional heart by staying in love with the world and by knowing that all disappointment and loss will pass.“
–David Z.
Today, September 29, is World Heart Day. Strike up a conversation with your own heart and as you feel comfortable, encourage others to do the same. As part of our own transformations and self-care, we sometimes ask for others to illuminate and enliven our hearts or speak our love language.
What if we could do this for ourselves too, even if just for today… or to start a heart practice, forever?
Tatyana Sanikovich combines insights generated from her 15-year career in human resources and culture development with her own extensive research and study in transformational practices to help her clients tap into their full potential.
As we awaken into the new year, right now is a good time to reflect on how we communicate and share this planet with one another. Tatyana Sanikovich spent a decade at Esalen and currently works as a leadership and career coach. She draws wisdom from her experiences and shares ways to move forward rather than wallow in the spirals of what if and if only.
Abraham Maslow and his hierarchy of needs inspired early and definitive teachings at Esalen. His pyramid — beginning at the base with food and security and peaking at the top with self-actualization — informs professional journeys for many at Esalen. Our need for connection is centered at the heart of this structure. We humans require a sense of belonging as part of our ability to thrive as well as survive. The myriad of social connections we create all collectively help nourish our spirit.
Yet, in the last few years, our connectivity as a society has become increasingly fragile and, in some cases, turned inside out, presenting as polarization. More and more, we are creating a dynamic of “us versus them” instead of “we all together.” So, how can we fix that?
A number of Esalen workshops over the years have delved into the idea of “in” and “out” groups as part of larger themes centered around our interconnectedness. These categorizations may give us a sense of identity and self-esteem when experienced in a positive way (think of cheering on your favorite sports team or band). They also can have the ability to distort into something harmful. When we experience a misunderstanding or misstep, when resources are limited, when competition is high and self-esteem is low, even a small crack can evolve into a gaping chasm if not addressed.
I reflect on my own conflicts with long-standing work relationships. Moments when I felt hurt and blindsided. The awkward conversations I would have rather skipped. However, my desire to heal the relationships outweighed my initial discomfort, and years later, those friendships remain — now with clearer boundaries.
Why should we have difficult conversations? They don’t feel good — at least at the beginning — and there is potential for additional pain. In more caustic situations, it is absolutely necessary to disengage with that individual or group for your own personal safety and well-being. This is self preservation. However, for lower-stakes situations that arise in the workplace, it may be worthwhile to pause before placing the person who has crossed a boundary in the “out” group. When we avoid having these conversations, we can miss a possible growth opportunity for ourselves and potentially the other person. What’s more, what may emerge from a dialogue could contribute to the greater good – in your family, in your workplace, in your community, or beyond. Your relationship will be impacted whether you turn away or lean in. The question is, How will you show up for yourself?
Esalen has a rich legacy of creating physical and emotional space for those difficult conversations. What can we pull from this enlightening work to better foster hard conversations more gracefully and skillfully in our own relationships? The next time you feel anxious about having “the talk,” try setting an intention to begin that difficult conversation. Ask yourself: What do I want to come out of this conversation? To be heard? To understand the other? An apology? You may not get the apology you seek for the perceived hurt, so it is important to manage expectations. In the end, we only have control over our own reactions. Perhaps start the conversation with why this is important to you. State it out loud: "I value our relationship. You matter to me.” This also helps settle the other person's nervous system as it illustrates a sense of goodwill even in the face of a challenging conversation.
Group facilitation is a major form of communication and a method to work through difficult scenarios at Esalen. One faculty member maintained that it was important to “place the fish on the table.” Or in other words, start with the most difficult issue in order to establish the trust and credibility needed to work together through hard topics. When you talk around an issue, it can be too easy to assume that the other person is attempting to hide something. At the other extreme, some counselors suggest starting with small things in order to establish or reestablish commonality before attempting to tackle more difficult content. Whichever approach feels more resonant, remember that discernment is key. Be aware of the person — literally and figuratively — sitting across from you and make adjustments based on what is happening in the moment.
At Esalen, it is common to hear: “Use your ‘I’ statements.” Why is this so important, especially when having difficult conversations? By couching our statements as “I feel” or “I think” versus “You do,” we hold ourselves accountable for our own feelings and thoughts rather than projecting what we believe to be true on the other person. Speaking only for yourself can help to reduce another person’s natural defensiveness. Try to listen for understanding instead of searching for opportunities to respond. Quiet that voice inside that begins to pull up defenses while the other person is speaking. Stay present in the conversation, and your own defenses will lower.
Ben Franklin’s “Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can do today,” resonates here. Difficult conversations do not age well with time. In fact, the longer we wait to have them, the harder the difficult conversation becomes. With time, we may begin to tell ourselves stories with exaggerated details while our anxiety grows. The longer time goes by with things left unsaid, the more tension adds to an already hard conversation.
And as with all things, practice makes it better. We have the tools — and the vocabulary — to build bridges instead of burning them. What’s more, having difficult conversations also helps us tap into our empathy. We all have bad days, and as a result, we can react poorly, misspeak, and make the wrong decision. It is during those moments, when another human being extends to us the gift of grace, that we can truly appreciate why we must continue to prioritize connection over cancellation.
“Remembering to be as self compassionate as I can and praying to the divine that we're all a part of.”
–Aaron
“Prayer, reading, meditation, walking.”
–Karen
“Erratically — which is an ongoing stream of practice to find peace.”
–Charles
“Try on a daily basis to be kind to myself and to realize that making mistakes is a part of the human condition. Learning from our mistakes is a journey. But it starts with compassion and caring. First for oneself.”
–Steve
“Physically: aerobic exercise, volleyball, ice hockey, cycling, sailing. Emotionally: unfortunately I have to work to ‘not care’ about people or situations which may end painfully. Along the lines of ‘attachment is the source of suffering’, so best to avoid it or limit its scope. Sad though because it could also be the source of great joy. Is it worth the risk?“
–Rainer
“It's time for my heart to be nurtured on one level yet contained on another. To go easy on me and to allow my feelings to be validated, not judged harshly. On the other hand, to let the heart rule with equanimity and not lead the mind and body around like a master.”
–Suzanne
“I spend time thinking of everything I am grateful for, and I try to develop my ability to express compassion for myself and others without reservation. I take time to do the things I need to do to keep myself healthy and happy. This includes taking experiential workshops, fostering relationships, and participating within groups which have a similar interest to become a more compassionate and fulfilled being.“
–Peter
“Self-forgiveness for my own judgments. And oh yeah, coming to Esalen.”
–David B.
“Hmm, this is a tough one! I guess I take care of my heart through fostering relationships with people I feel connected to. Spending quality time with them (whether we're on the phone, through messages/letters, on Zoom, or in-person). Being there for them, listening to them, sharing what's going on with me, my struggles and my successes... like we do in the Esalen weekly Friends of Esalen Zoom sessions!”
–Lori
“I remind myself in many ways of the fact that " Love is all there is!" LOVE is the prize and this one precious life is the stage we get to learn our lessons. I get out into nature, hike, camp, river kayak, fly fish, garden, I create, I dance (not enough!), and I remain grateful for each day, each breath, each moment. Being in the moment, awake, and remembering the gift of life and my feeling of gratitude for all of creation.”
–Steven
“My physical heart by limiting stress and eating a heart-healthy diet. My emotional heart by staying in love with the world and by knowing that all disappointment and loss will pass.“
–David Z.
Today, September 29, is World Heart Day. Strike up a conversation with your own heart and as you feel comfortable, encourage others to do the same. As part of our own transformations and self-care, we sometimes ask for others to illuminate and enliven our hearts or speak our love language.
What if we could do this for ourselves too, even if just for today… or to start a heart practice, forever?
Tatyana Sanikovich combines insights generated from her 15-year career in human resources and culture development with her own extensive research and study in transformational practices to help her clients tap into their full potential.
As we awaken into the new year, right now is a good time to reflect on how we communicate and share this planet with one another. Tatyana Sanikovich spent a decade at Esalen and currently works as a leadership and career coach. She draws wisdom from her experiences and shares ways to move forward rather than wallow in the spirals of what if and if only.
Abraham Maslow and his hierarchy of needs inspired early and definitive teachings at Esalen. His pyramid — beginning at the base with food and security and peaking at the top with self-actualization — informs professional journeys for many at Esalen. Our need for connection is centered at the heart of this structure. We humans require a sense of belonging as part of our ability to thrive as well as survive. The myriad of social connections we create all collectively help nourish our spirit.
Yet, in the last few years, our connectivity as a society has become increasingly fragile and, in some cases, turned inside out, presenting as polarization. More and more, we are creating a dynamic of “us versus them” instead of “we all together.” So, how can we fix that?
A number of Esalen workshops over the years have delved into the idea of “in” and “out” groups as part of larger themes centered around our interconnectedness. These categorizations may give us a sense of identity and self-esteem when experienced in a positive way (think of cheering on your favorite sports team or band). They also can have the ability to distort into something harmful. When we experience a misunderstanding or misstep, when resources are limited, when competition is high and self-esteem is low, even a small crack can evolve into a gaping chasm if not addressed.
I reflect on my own conflicts with long-standing work relationships. Moments when I felt hurt and blindsided. The awkward conversations I would have rather skipped. However, my desire to heal the relationships outweighed my initial discomfort, and years later, those friendships remain — now with clearer boundaries.
Why should we have difficult conversations? They don’t feel good — at least at the beginning — and there is potential for additional pain. In more caustic situations, it is absolutely necessary to disengage with that individual or group for your own personal safety and well-being. This is self preservation. However, for lower-stakes situations that arise in the workplace, it may be worthwhile to pause before placing the person who has crossed a boundary in the “out” group. When we avoid having these conversations, we can miss a possible growth opportunity for ourselves and potentially the other person. What’s more, what may emerge from a dialogue could contribute to the greater good – in your family, in your workplace, in your community, or beyond. Your relationship will be impacted whether you turn away or lean in. The question is, How will you show up for yourself?
Esalen has a rich legacy of creating physical and emotional space for those difficult conversations. What can we pull from this enlightening work to better foster hard conversations more gracefully and skillfully in our own relationships? The next time you feel anxious about having “the talk,” try setting an intention to begin that difficult conversation. Ask yourself: What do I want to come out of this conversation? To be heard? To understand the other? An apology? You may not get the apology you seek for the perceived hurt, so it is important to manage expectations. In the end, we only have control over our own reactions. Perhaps start the conversation with why this is important to you. State it out loud: "I value our relationship. You matter to me.” This also helps settle the other person's nervous system as it illustrates a sense of goodwill even in the face of a challenging conversation.
Group facilitation is a major form of communication and a method to work through difficult scenarios at Esalen. One faculty member maintained that it was important to “place the fish on the table.” Or in other words, start with the most difficult issue in order to establish the trust and credibility needed to work together through hard topics. When you talk around an issue, it can be too easy to assume that the other person is attempting to hide something. At the other extreme, some counselors suggest starting with small things in order to establish or reestablish commonality before attempting to tackle more difficult content. Whichever approach feels more resonant, remember that discernment is key. Be aware of the person — literally and figuratively — sitting across from you and make adjustments based on what is happening in the moment.
At Esalen, it is common to hear: “Use your ‘I’ statements.” Why is this so important, especially when having difficult conversations? By couching our statements as “I feel” or “I think” versus “You do,” we hold ourselves accountable for our own feelings and thoughts rather than projecting what we believe to be true on the other person. Speaking only for yourself can help to reduce another person’s natural defensiveness. Try to listen for understanding instead of searching for opportunities to respond. Quiet that voice inside that begins to pull up defenses while the other person is speaking. Stay present in the conversation, and your own defenses will lower.
Ben Franklin’s “Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can do today,” resonates here. Difficult conversations do not age well with time. In fact, the longer we wait to have them, the harder the difficult conversation becomes. With time, we may begin to tell ourselves stories with exaggerated details while our anxiety grows. The longer time goes by with things left unsaid, the more tension adds to an already hard conversation.
And as with all things, practice makes it better. We have the tools — and the vocabulary — to build bridges instead of burning them. What’s more, having difficult conversations also helps us tap into our empathy. We all have bad days, and as a result, we can react poorly, misspeak, and make the wrong decision. It is during those moments, when another human being extends to us the gift of grace, that we can truly appreciate why we must continue to prioritize connection over cancellation.
“Remembering to be as self compassionate as I can and praying to the divine that we're all a part of.”
–Aaron
“Prayer, reading, meditation, walking.”
–Karen
“Erratically — which is an ongoing stream of practice to find peace.”
–Charles
“Try on a daily basis to be kind to myself and to realize that making mistakes is a part of the human condition. Learning from our mistakes is a journey. But it starts with compassion and caring. First for oneself.”
–Steve
“Physically: aerobic exercise, volleyball, ice hockey, cycling, sailing. Emotionally: unfortunately I have to work to ‘not care’ about people or situations which may end painfully. Along the lines of ‘attachment is the source of suffering’, so best to avoid it or limit its scope. Sad though because it could also be the source of great joy. Is it worth the risk?“
–Rainer
“It's time for my heart to be nurtured on one level yet contained on another. To go easy on me and to allow my feelings to be validated, not judged harshly. On the other hand, to let the heart rule with equanimity and not lead the mind and body around like a master.”
–Suzanne
“I spend time thinking of everything I am grateful for, and I try to develop my ability to express compassion for myself and others without reservation. I take time to do the things I need to do to keep myself healthy and happy. This includes taking experiential workshops, fostering relationships, and participating within groups which have a similar interest to become a more compassionate and fulfilled being.“
–Peter
“Self-forgiveness for my own judgments. And oh yeah, coming to Esalen.”
–David B.
“Hmm, this is a tough one! I guess I take care of my heart through fostering relationships with people I feel connected to. Spending quality time with them (whether we're on the phone, through messages/letters, on Zoom, or in-person). Being there for them, listening to them, sharing what's going on with me, my struggles and my successes... like we do in the Esalen weekly Friends of Esalen Zoom sessions!”
–Lori
“I remind myself in many ways of the fact that " Love is all there is!" LOVE is the prize and this one precious life is the stage we get to learn our lessons. I get out into nature, hike, camp, river kayak, fly fish, garden, I create, I dance (not enough!), and I remain grateful for each day, each breath, each moment. Being in the moment, awake, and remembering the gift of life and my feeling of gratitude for all of creation.”
–Steven
“My physical heart by limiting stress and eating a heart-healthy diet. My emotional heart by staying in love with the world and by knowing that all disappointment and loss will pass.“
–David Z.
Today, September 29, is World Heart Day. Strike up a conversation with your own heart and as you feel comfortable, encourage others to do the same. As part of our own transformations and self-care, we sometimes ask for others to illuminate and enliven our hearts or speak our love language.
What if we could do this for ourselves too, even if just for today… or to start a heart practice, forever?
Tatyana Sanikovich combines insights generated from her 15-year career in human resources and culture development with her own extensive research and study in transformational practices to help her clients tap into their full potential.
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Big Sur, CA 93920
US: 1-831-667-3000
info@esalen.org
